The new job is going great. Granted, I haven't done a whole lot yet -- heights, weights, head circumference, temperature, one throat culture -- but I absolutely love it. I got to help with measurements on a newborn Caesarian baby, take a history on a nine-year-old with abdominal pain, and even use my (admittedly now far less fluent) Spanish with one little boy who was afraid of his chickenpox shot. For the first time in, well, EVER, I'm actually looking forward to getting up and going to work every day.
It does beg the question, though -- what about children?
Well, what ABOUT children?
See, I have always wanted kids -- two, possibly three. Lately, I've been considering the possibility of just one. Aphrodite, though, has never really wanted children, for the (understandable, and quite possibly valid) reason that she wants her life to be her own. She wants to be able to set her schedule as she likes, travel when and where she wants to, and come home after the workday and spend all her free time with ME, not Junior. That makes total sense to me, and she's actually come perilously close to persuading me on several occasions -- after all, who would want to give up that freedom?
But for me, having children is almost an obligation. The idea of not doing it has flitted through my head now and then, and does so on an increasing basis these days, but I'm just not able to discount that 'someday' gut feeling. I've worked with kids of all ages for twelve years -- camps, daycares, babysitting -- ever since I first became a mother's helper to my favorite cousin, then a toddler, when I was eleven. (She's now 15 and a national swimming star -- my, how times fly.) I have always been drawn to children, and vice versa -- Aphrodite teases me that I just have to sit down in a room and they "flock" -- and more than that, I'm really, really good with them. I know with absolute certainty that I would be a fantastic mother, and I'm not overly concerned about the 'two moms' thing, either. But I do agree with Aphrodite to an extent -- I don't want my entire life to be taken over by a child. I want my adult life, too. She, having dated a man with a child, doesn't think that the two can coexist. I, knowing that her ex was a terrible, inconsistent parent who gave her a bad impression of the scenario, am clinging to the belief that one can have both.
It may happen that my 'work kids' -- the kids I'll treat as a PA -- may be enough for me. Lately, that feels more and more like a possibility. But what if that doesn't happen?
All you gay/lesbian couples out there -- and anyone else who wants to weigh in -- do you have any children? If so, what have you found -- do you totally lose your independence and 'couple time', or have you found ways to hang onto it? If you don't have kids, are you planning to have any? How many, and after how long? Natural (an option for the girls, I guess, anyway) or adopted? If adopted -- international or domestic? If natural -- how will you decide on a method/potential father?
This definitely isn't something Aphrodite and I can decide now, anyway -- neither of us is done with school, for a start, and our financial situation is far from secure. But I really want to hear others' thoughts on this topic, because the subject does come up from time to time, and we circle the same old barrels whenever it does. Can anyone inject some wisdom/advice/suggestions/humor into the fray?
04 February 2008
Little People
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6 comments:
Well...
I waited until I was 38 to have my first child, and I was 40 with my 2nd. Don't kid yourself, babies are all consuming. Your life will be consumped by this little pooping, crying meatloaf. At least mine was. But here is the thing, having kids was a deal breaker for me. I knew I wanted them, and fortunately, so did my husband. They are a ton of work. You are changed forever. All the stuff people say about babies is true, and you can never truly understand what it's like until you go through it. But...if you want them, you should have them. My kids are the best thing I've ever done. I joke with my friends that when I had my son, that was when my "real" life began. It's what made me feel connected to the universe. It enabled me to feel love in a way I've never experienced. You do give up your life, but you get a different life. For me it was a much harder, much more challenging, but much better life. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. So dear Athena, don't write it off without doing a lot of soul searching. If you decide you don't want kids, because YOU don't want them, then that is one thing, but please don't decide this because someone else doesn't want them, because I can guarantee you, that you will regret it in the future.
Peace,
OC
I speak from the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am the oldest of 4children, always the babysitter, always the "responsible" one, and I knew from age 6 that I NEVER wanted to be married or have children. That was one of the basic tenets of my life. Of course, when I was growing up, still in the shadow of the 50's, no woman could say that and be taken seriously. I had an abortion at 19, and while it was traumatic, I have NEVER regretted it. Then, at age 24, I met my 1st husband. He was a predatory con-man. I was well educated but now street smart, so I, blind, "fell in love" and we married. Then, almost immediately, he started pressuring me to have a baby. Long story short, he ended up "blackmailing" me into getting pregnant. Then, of course, his nature won out and he was gone with the wind. I have received no joy whatsoever in parenting. I have worked, overworked, worried, fretted, agonized, and feared. Now that I have 2 wonderful grandsons, I would not change it, but I beg you, if Aphrodite is certain that she does not want children, PLEASE do not try to force the issue. My daughter was a sweet child, but she became a monster in adolescence, and I was lost. There are no guarantees with children. I did my dead-level best to never let her know I regretted my decision, because it was obviously NOT her fault, and to be the best parent I could, and love her truly, but no matter what I did, it seemed to be wrong. I am not trying to "convince" you one way or the other, but just to speak openly about how this coerced decision has affected my life. At the time, I really thought I was doing the right thing by having the baby, but for me I was completely wrong, and I have paid for it. There is all this media attention about women who have abortions and then have all the trauma, but no one has the guts to talk about women who, for whatever reason, have children they do not want and how that decision causes just as much heartache. I guess, even now, society can't accept that a woman can have a rich and full life without giving birth. If the two of you love each other the way it seems, I know you will come to a decision that will work for you both.
I wish you the best, and thank you for giving me a place to talk about this subject that no one else seems to acknowledge.
GG
Having children, especially in a lesbian relationship is simple. It takes two yes's and one no.
I love my children, but I think it's normal to look back and wonder what life would have been like without them. I enjoy them, but I also enjoy the freedom that I have when they are with their father. And I look forward to the day when they are out on their own and living their own lives.
I was 22 when I had my son. His father walked out on me, offered no child support, and so I've been parenting alone for the last 11 years.
I was one of those people who never wanted kids, and I made a foolish decision. I do love my son, and he's very important to me. However, I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't had him. Especially when I started coming out, I discovered having a child gets in the way of a relationship. I'm seeing someone now, but for a long time I didn't feel that I could.
I do often feel a little resentment because this little person has consumed so much of my life. At the same time, I'm very proud of him and I love him very much. I try to be the best parent that I can.
My advice would not to pressure Aphrodite if she doesn't want to have kids. She might change her mind one day, but just let it go for a while. There's a small part of me that really wishes I would have waited for kids. I wouldn't change things, but I do often wonder. Kids change your life in so many ways, and it's not something to rush into.
I have read your article and the comments. I am a lesbian and a single mother of two. I was married young. I was not happy married for many reasons, abuse of all kinds etc-also I was a lesbian; just didn't understand myself. I never planned or thought about having kids of my own although I always had a natural, easy-going way with them. Out of that terrible marriage, I had my two girls. I would go through all that hell again to have them again. Yes they are time consuming. yes sometimes your feel like you have no life. When babies are babies, I guess you don't, they need you, really need you. But you need them too. Eventually, I divorced their dad and embraced who I was. I have had a few relationships with women. It's important to find a woman who can accept a woman with children, they have come first. However, I do believe I can have both. Putting my children first and putting the woman I'm with first, in her own right, is possible. Of course, Aphrodite shouldn't feel pressured to have children. I don't think your desire to have children should be ignored either though. You shouldn't ignore your needs in wanting to have children. I'm not saying you are. Children are a wonderful gift. I wouldn't change a thing. Having your own life and your own time while having children and a wife, partner, significant other, can be done. Good luck
Brit
I have two young boys, ages 6 and 2from my previous marriage. My ex-husband and I have 50/50 custody, which means my partner and I have them 50% of the time. It's a VERY busy life. I agree with OC - don't kid yourself. Your life changes. Completely and utterly. Freedom is a thing of the past. That being said, I wouldn't change a thing. They are my greatest accomplishment.
However, (and LK would agree) if your partner doesn't want kids, and YOU do... this will create resentment in the future. Lucky for me, my partner loves children and is very much like you, Athena. She has that special gift when it comes to connecting with kids. We plan on trying for a baby around the end of the year. She wants to be a Mom. Good luck do you, Athena. The good news is you have lots of time. ;)
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