Feeling Different

Okay. I've been struggling with this post for almost two hours now, and I simply can't get it right. The images and analogies aren't flowing the way they usually do, and I think it's just because this topic is such a new area for me that I don't know how to express it as fully as I want to. So I'm just going to say it, as plainly as I can, and maybe some of your comments will help me to write a second post which follows up on this.

So I've read several accounts lately which mention that many gays and lesbians are more 'sensitive' than the general population (to the moods and thoughts of others, et cetera), and that this ability may contribute to the typical 'feeling different', especially when younger.

This is definitely true in Aphrodite's case. She is the most 'emotionally intelligent' person I've ever met. In everyday life, she genuinely cares about every single person she meets, can sense people's moods, and knows how to navigate a tricky conversation without raising hackles -- all wonderful life skills, and some of the things that draw people to her so readily. On another level, though, she also finds it almost instinctive to 'tap into' a source outside herself. She listens to the Universe, as it were, almost without effort. Sometimes, it's as though she has an extra antenna -- she senses things that others don't pick up, predicts certain things before they happen, 'feels' her place in the universe in a way that most people never even think about. As a child, she was always the one to act beyond her emotional years (holding an injured baby squirrel for hours until he died, greeting her kindergarten teacher every single morning "because I thought she might want to have someone tell her good morning"), and as an adult, she still amazes me every day (buying a Starbucks muffin for the homeless man on the street, going far out of her way to corner, catch, and find a home for an abandoned 10-week-old kitten, etc.).

On the face of it, I am her antithesis. I was raised an atheist and have never really put much faith in the idea of there being anything beyond this physical existence. I wasn't a particularly sensitive child (although I think that was more conditioned than instinctive, since every time I got emotional about something that my mother didn't think warranted such a reaction, she would tell me I was being hypersensitive and that I needed to calm down. In time, I learned not to react externally.)

However, since meeting Aphrodite, I'm realizing that this is more the result of what was forced upon me than a result of what I really feel. Spirituality was never discussed in my house -- literally, never -- and most of my religious experiences ('friends' attempting to convert me, etc.) were negative. But I'm slowly realizing -- mostly due to Aphrodite's influence -- that what I thought I believed isn't really what I feel. (Side note: I'm not discussing this with any particular religion or belief system in mind at all -- just offering up the (to me) new idea that maybe there is something beyond our physical bodies, whether that's energy between people, beams of light from a universal source, or something entirely different.)

I could go on about this for pages and pages, but I'm going to focus on one specific aspect here: touch.

I was never touched much as a child beyond the perfunctory bedtime hug and kiss, and yet I'm realizing now that touch is actually my strongest 'love language', that is, I feel love most strongly when someone is holding me or stroking me. Words are nice, but physicality, to me, speaks louder. I have extremely sensitive skin (in the old-fashioned sense: for example, I don't like running the pads of my fingers over textured surfaces like carpet or sandpaper, and I'm incredibly ticklish), and I'm not sure whether that is a byproduct of not being touched, an occupational hazard of loving physical contact, or simply a coincidence. But recently, I've started to realize that I may have the ability to heal. I don't mean lay hands on you and cure your cancer -- but I seem to be able to do something that others can't.

Aphrodite's gifts don't come without a price: she carries a lot of stress at different points in her body, and often gets painful twinges in her upper left chest and shoulder. (Don't worry, heart problems have been ruled out.) The other night, when she said she hurt, I made her lie down on the sofa, rubbed my hands together until I felt them tingle, then laid my right hand over the affected area and my left on Aphrodite's forehead. (I felt strongly that I needed both hands on her, not just one, and the left hand just seemed to naturally gravitate to that spot.) I felt them gradually get warmer and tingle, and had the impression of blue-green light flowing in a circle from my left hand (on her forehead) through her body and back to my other hand (over the painful area). We sat that way for who knows how long. It felt very peaceful and comfortable, like time had stopped, like nothing else was important.

I eventually removed one of my hands to grab the remote and stop the annoying DVD menu music -- and then I couldn't get the sensation back. I rubbed my hands together again, and they didn't tingle. I laid them on her body, and they didn't get warm. Whatever had been happening, I couldn't get it back. I stood up, then realized I had a slight headache and felt far more tired than I had before we'd started. Aphrodite, on the other hand, said she felt much better and practically bounced up off the sofa.

I'm sure there are a ton of explanations for this -- it's not exactly a miracle cure, after all. All I can say is that it felt significant, which is why I'm writing about it. I did something similar when she had gallstones -- one hand on her front and one on her back, which she said felt really good -- but that obviously didn't help in the long term. (On the other hand, we didn't know she had gallstones then, and the pain was referred to her left side, so I wasn't exactly touching the right spot.) Anyway, Aphrodite says her grandmother can do something similar (she called it "healing hands"), but that she's the only one she knows who can do that.

Anyway, okay, now that you all think I'm completely crazy, I'll shut up. But if any of you have similar 'sensitive' experiences, please do share and let me know I'm not all alone out here! :)